Archive for the ‘Asshole’ Category

I’ve Never Done This Before (Be Gentle)


Ok. Well, I guess that nothing about this first entry matters in any way, shape or form. However, never before has that curbed my desire to hear my own voice.

I would take the time to introduce myself, but it seems unnecessary, as you likely fall into one of three categories:

1. You already know me, but you don’t really care about what I have to say.
2. You already know me, and are only pretending to care about what I have to say.
3. You neither know me, nor care about what I have to say, therefore my name is irrelevant.

Moreover, since I have a long history of not finishing what I start, I imagine that this entry will be the Alpha and Omega of my blogging epic. So, when you think about it, do you really need to know me?

But, since I started this blog to help pass the long hours spent overnight at the hospital, and I happen to be currently sitting at a computer at said hospital, I might as well pass time by introducing myself.

My name is Robert.

That is all you get because I don’t like talking about myself. Ha! That is a lie. The only reason people start blogs is because they love to talk about themselves. In every blogger’s perfect world, he starts each day signing on to find that his page has been viewed a thousand times and each person has left comments rife with adulation. I myself, am constantly bombarded with such adoration, so there is no need for it on this blog.

“Roby, since meeting you, my cancer has subsided.”
“Roby, you are so funny and smart. Please bang every female in my family.”
“Hey Roby, remember that time you gave me a high five? I’m pregnant now.”

See what I mean? This is the life I live.

But now that I have written 200 or so words, I got to wondering why I started this blog in the first place. Although boredom is as good of a reason as any to do anything in life, I feel that this blog could be so much more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to recieve a Nobel Prize for the contents of this blog. But If I establish a purpose for maintaining this blog, perhaps it will have more success than my past endeavors (learning guitar…brewing beer…college- I still haven’t given up on brewing beer, I just haven’t had the time lately. Let’s do it Travis). It’s time to establish a direction and mission statement for this blog.

If I learned one thing from high school it is how to brainstorm. (Actually, I got really good at it. So good, in-fact, that I would erase all the numbers and bullets from my outline and turn that in as a finished essay for AP American History. God bless football coach/history teachers.) Since my mind thinks in bullet point form, I will start by making a list of things I like.

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard- headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.

Now I will cross reference that list with a list of things that I know a lot about (or at least have the arrogance to pretend that I know a lot about):

1. Sports (and most other things that you can win by possessing superior skill, stamina, or hard-headedness).
2. Beer
3. Sex
4. Top-10 Lists
5. Being an asshole.

That was easy. It seems that it only makes sense to write about sports, beer, sex, and being an asshole, all while composing top-ten lists of things within said topics.

Thus begins my first foray into blogging.

Mission Statement: To ensure that every man, woman, and child with an internet connection knows how awesome I am. And if they disagree with me, fuck ’em.