Archive for the ‘Drunken Buffoonery’ Category

V is for Vodka (and Veronica Mars)

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Random conversation that epitomizes my life with The Suggs:

Miamichalupa13: does Andrea Zuckerman have an eating disorder?
Suggsy23: sadly no
Miamichalupa13: i always get 90210 confused with saved by the bell: the college years
Miamichalupa13: haha
Suggsy23: but her daughter was on the ep for like 5 secs and someone said “omg is that girl like 30 years old or what?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suggsy23: OUCH
Suggsy23: i just walked into a wall
Suggsy23: perhaps i have drank too much tonight
Suggsy23: but i doubt it…

It is a basic rule of writing that you should never give a guest spot in your book to someone who is a better writer than you are. Lucky for you, I don’t give a fuck about rules. My friend The Suggs is going to be a regular contributer to this piece of shit blog, so start warming up the vodka…Well Vodka. I’m gonna let her introduce herself tomorrow, but until then I will leave you with a piece that she wrote following our outrageous trip to Panama City Beach in 2007. . Ladies and gentlemen, The Suggs.
The Events of Tuesday March 13th 6:00am- Wednesday March 14th 6:00am as seen through the eyes of The Suggs.

Tuesday 6am: Roby is standing in a corner of the room looking like the kid at the end of Blair Witch Project. I have no idea what is wrong with him.

6:01 am: Roby opens the patio door and pees outside.

6:03 am: He has now been peeing for 2 straight minutes. I roll over and go back to sleep.

8:00 am: Roby yells something in his sleep from across the room. I think it was “asndasasdknikn”.

8:01 am: I go back to sleep.

10:30 am: I wake up and attempt to wake everyone up for the beach bash. No one wakes up. I am pissed.

10:32 am: Kerri calls and wants to know how the trip is. I tell her it is awesome, and I have never seen anything like it. The beach bash is at 12 and I am excited.

10:34 am: I get dressed and try to wake everybody up.

10:35 am: No one gets up. I am pissed.

10:36 am: I crack my first beer.

10:38 am: I do a beer bong.

10:45 am: I drink more beer.

11:00 am: I try to wake everyone up again. No one gets up.

11:15 am: I fall back asleep.

12:30 pm: I wake up and realize I am a half hour late for the beach bash. I wake everybody up and go outside.

12:31 pm: Mike tries to wake up John. He feels that opening the blinds and jumping on John is the best way to do this.

12:32 pm: John informs Mike that he will fight him at some point today.

12:33 pm: The wait to get in to Sharky’s is at least 90 minutes long. Mike and I pay $5 for bigger cups and cut everyone in line.

12:35 pm: I get a beer and realize I am very sober. I tell Mike there is only one option.

12:36 pm: Three cherry bombs are placed in front of me. I slam them.

12:40 pm: Nikki, Lexy, and Roby arrive.

12:45 pm: I have 9 shots of vodka placed in front of me. I slam the first one. It doesnt go down well. I order a redbull and turn the shots into vodka/red bull shots.

12:46 pm: I slam 2 shots. Lexy slams one.

12:47 pm: Mike slams 2.5 shots. I slam .5 shot.

12:48 pm: I slam the remaining 2 shots.

12:49 pm: I slam several Miller Lites.

12: 50 pm: A random guy spills his drink on me.

12:51 pm: I steal his hat from him.

12:55 pm: I see a guy in a polo shirt. His collar is popped.

12:56 pm: I ask him why. He doesn’t have a response.

12:57 pm: He gets a friend. His collar is popped.

12:59 pm: I take their picture.

1:30 pm: I am standing at the minibar. A random guy walks over. I tell him Roby is gay.

1:32 pm: He moves away from Roby.

1:33 pm: Everyone laughs. Roby tries not to but can’t help himself.

1:45 pm: I tell everybody around me that Roby is gay.

1:50 pm: I convince one guy that gay people should not be allowed at Sharky’s. We try to get Roby removed.

1:51 pm: I am laughing so hard I can barely speak.

2:00 pm: I continue slamming shots at the bar.

2:16 pm: John finally shows up. He has a hangover.

2:17 pm: I tell him that a shot of Johnny Walker Platinum is on the way. John is familiar with this running joke. (John and our other friend Chris, Kerri from later in the story’s brother, are both fans of Johnny Walker. Whenever I am drunk I pretend there is a version known as Platinum. It has been aging since the year 0000 and Jesus is rumored to have touched it.)

2:18 pm: John cheers up and starts drinking.

3:00 pm: The Real World cast shows up. I am not happy as I have not watched the show in years and don’t care. Apparently Brad is now a dirt bike racer. I tell everyone around me that I hate dirt bike racing.

3:14 pm: Roby and Lexy are standing in front of me.

3:15 pm: I realize that they are talking to me.

3:16 pm: I have no idea what they are saying.

3:17 pm: I assume they are saying “tasty tasty” which was there catch phrase for spring break b/c they think they are fergalicious.

3:18 pm: I propose a toast to Spring Break.

3:19 pm: We all take a chug of beer.

3:20 pm: I spit my sip at Lexy and Roby. It sprays all over them. I am dying laughing.

3:21 pm: The MTV camera people are filming it. They are dying laughing.

3:22 pm: I yell “hey, i didn’t sign a waiver!”

3:23 pm: They laugh and shrug their shoulders.

4:00 pm: Kerri Zupofska calls. She has arrived.

4:01 pm: I order more shots from the bar.

4:30 pm: I remember Kerri is outside Sharky’s. I find Mike and go meet Kerri.

4:32 pm: The three of us go to the room and continue getting anihilated.

5:00 pm: Nikki and Lexy return from Sharky’s.

5:05 pm: Me, Mike, Kerri, Nikki, and Lexy go to the Big Kahuna for lunch.

5:10 pm: I eat Lexy’s entire bag of cheetos. She is pissed. I do not understand why.

5:11 pm: I inform her that they were in fact my cheetos but since she’s so upset about it I will order her, her own bag of cheetos.

5:20 pm: Nikki buys us all a shot. I shudder.

5:21 pm: Nikki spies a couple in the back. She gets them a shot.

5:22 pm: My blackout is emminent at this point. Things are already at the point where I look around and am confused.

6:00 pm: Mike and I get our check. It has no prices on it but they tell us it is $48. Mike is paying but I feel that they are ripping him off. I demand an itemized bill.

6:01 pm: Three bartenders begin arguing with me that I am wrong.

6:02 pm: They tell me that my tab is in fact $22.

6:03 pm: They refuse to take Mike’s credit card. Kerri pays the check.

6:04 pm: I leave the Big Kahuna. I begin screaming as I cross the street.

6:07 pm: I pass out in my bed.

9:30 pm: Roby, John, Lexy, Kerri and I go to Wendy’s. It is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. I have no idea why.

9:45 pm: John asks if this is one of those places where you leave your trash on the table and they throw it away for you.

9:46 pm: After looking around the room I inform him that it is in fact not one of those places. It appears to be a place where people left their trash on the tables and no one ever came to throw it away.

11:00 pm: Roby develops a terrible hangover.

1:00 am: Roby has determined that his hangover is causing him to see hardcore porn in his brain. He is whining. I tell him to be glad it is regular porn and not a gay porn starring Ice-T slamming Ice Cube.

1:02 am: The only porn Roby can see now is Ice-T slamming Ice Cube.

2:00 am: Roby convinces John to drive him to the ER

2:01 am: I convince John not to drive Roby to the ER b/c he has a hangover.

3:00 am: Roby calls poison control.

3:02 am: Poison control bursts out laughing. They tell Roby to man up, but they sugar coat it.

4:00 am: Roby calls poison control, again.

6:00 am: Poison control calls Roby back, probably to laugh at him some more.

There you have it. More Suggs is on the way.

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